Category Archives: Humor and Quotes

Humor

Here is some advice regarding criticism:

Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and… you’ll have his shoes.

Humor

These are ancient, from a game show called “Hollywood Squares,” that some of you may remember. These actual responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Question:
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

Answer – Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took
up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?  

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
years…

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me
awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a
stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive,
is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?

A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from
the next apartment.

Q.. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy
growing strawberries.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always
safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his
tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot
of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Humor

If You Bought Paint from an Airline…


Scenario #1 – Buying paint from a paint store

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $18 a gallon and premium for $26. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $90 plus tax.

Scenario #2 – Buying paint from an airline

Customer: Hi, How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, Sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference, it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: Well, First I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $12 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $14.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen,
bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is.
We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I
don’t keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: Well that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $15.50. Thanks for flying – I mean painting – with our airline.

A Little Humor

The following are reportedly actual headlines from various newspapers:

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

A Little Humor

The following are actual statements from drivers’ insurance claim forms...

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“As I approached an intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

A Little Humor

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

(*This student received an “A.”)

A Little Humor

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